Knocked up!

...and it was on the first try too! Due date: June 22, 2011, summer solstice, we're told. J and I are stoked, and feel so lucky that the iui took right away. We're calling her 'Sesame', as in 'seed' because that's about how big she was when we found out we were pregnant.... here we go!

Leap of faith

I'm taking a leap, I'm taking a break and I am reconsidering my direction. I'm dropping my class and may drop the MA program altogether. It doesn't seem so big when I write it down, but the decision is a huge one, especially coming from someone who doesn't like to quit things for fear of looking like a failure.

Umm, I seem to have misplaced my period.

No really, and I'm kinda waiting for it to start the fertility drugs and have that long-awaited first iui... and of course I'm late. Or right on time? Hence the drugs. Never thought I'd pay so much attention to my cycle. All I want is to start trying already, enough waiting!

Wedding... and a hiatus from blogging

I have been thinking about just scrapping this blog. Obviously I haven't been around much. Wedding has come and gone... and truthfully I am thrilled to be married but so glad that the wedding part is over. I am just not a fan of weddings! Really, though, we were very lucky, everything went off without a hitch. We kayaked over to the island at 2 pm on August 1. We could hear the church bells at a big old church nearby, more weddings I suppose! I was wearing a skirt and J and I had not rehearsed the exit from the kayak. We had our dads there to help us out, I managed to keep from flashing everyone. We had the 9 nieces and nephews blowing bubbles as we made our way down the 'aisle' (just grass) and had a barefoot wedding under a beautiful tree with our families there to support us. As we kissed after being pronounced married there was a HUGE crack of thunder, then a light sprinkle of rain-- we have the proof on the marriage certificate. We had dinner at a restaurant that had offered to shut down the dining room for us. The kids were well taken care of and had lots of room to play.
J is my wife and I have started referring to her as such. It felt really weird at first... thrilling though. I am so glad we decided to get married.
More pics another day... maybe!

The countdown is on.

Now that it is officially July, there is no more pretending that there is lots of time left.... our wedding is now officially a month away. We are getting married on an island within the lake in our city, and J discovered this morning that the day of our wedding is also an event on the water of that lake.... hmmmm...
Our plan has been to have everyone ferried over and J and I are hoping to kayak up to the island and have the kids blowing bubbles as we make our way down the 'aisle'. Today we're going to give that a test run.... this is a man-made lake with a lot of man-made grossness so I don't know whether this is possible.
On the 9th my coworkers are throwing us a shower. Yes, a group of straight coworkers are insisting that they want to do this which really says a lot, doesn't it? I'm a notorious non-attender when it comes to events like this at my office and here we are at the centre of it. I'm very out at work, obviously, and everyone knows J too because she works at the university too. Someone asked what our 'colours' were for the wedding. Ummm... are we supposed to have colours? Not at this wedding, ladies....

I did it...

Ok, almost. Tonight I gave my final lecture in the condensed course I am taking (as a grad student taking part in an undergrad class). I gave a lecture that was mostly on heterosexual privilege & language, and it was well received. Now I only have to mark another 30 short papers, and write a paper myself, and then I am done for the summer, just working rather than doing the work/school balance. Who knows-- maybe I will even have time for blogging again...

Stop here, read this, totally worth it, I promise

Listen to this podcast, starting from 29:00, Act 2, Tom Girls (buy or stream, if you stream it will start from an intro that is about a minute, then into the hour-long program)

http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/374/Somewhere-Out-There?bypass=true

It blows my mind.

Time

Suddenly I am in the blissful blank space between semesters. I finished my first class on the 21st, and am taking a May-June condensed course that starts on Monday. I will be the only grad student in this class- it is an Education course for future teachers and is a relatively informal look at sexuality and how one comes to realize and understand their own sexuality. I'm told that a number of students often come out by the end of the class. My role will be a little different, I'll present some lectures and write a paper. I think it will be a whirlwind but still a good one.

My little puppy has grown to be a one-year-old 65 pound ball of happy energy... great sometimes, overwhelming other times.

J and I have 'bought' our baby.... we spent $2200 on sperm from some young buck putting himself through school. This was supposed to be our first month of trying but the doctor didn't do the referral to the other doctor... so now we wait, sperm in storage. I suppose it's fine anyway, I'm ovulating now and the doctor wouldn't be doing an insemination over the weekend.

The thing about it is that it is so easy to feel overwhelmed by the whole thing. We are already busy, we already have 2 dogs, 2 cats. Adding a baby sometimes feels like too much, but I don't want to wait anymore. There is never the right time, right? Some days we can't wait, some days we are scared... I just wish that it could happen by accident so that we would just have to deal with it.

I stole this

I stole this from Aneke who is so lucky to be At the edge of the ocean

If you can't fight

and you can't flee

flow

Robert Elliot

I have been treading water in the past 7 weeks. I started an MA, I work full-time, and wanted to join a committee but ended up co-chairing one of the sub-committees (time consuming but worth it, it is the organization of a camp for queer youth).
So, I have been busy and self-doubting, I even started reading a self-help book. Not my style but I needed something. So here I am reading Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway! I'll admit that it is helping.
My first class this semester is an undergrad/grad hybrid. 40 undergrads and 2 grad students including me. The other grad student is well in to her program and I am working my butt off to feel like I am keeping up! I have to do a presentation on the opening sequence to True Blood, and link it to the class readings. This would be ok except Fine Arts is not my background and the class is full of 3rd & 4th year film students. Bah!
A few weeks after that the other grad student and I have to present a 3 hour lecture, likely on the L Word.
I hate public speaking.
Flow flow flow flow flow flow flow.

ps.... I am in the Library. Got here early and got a great, quiet, comfy spot. Now some guy is here sharing my table, chewing his fucking gum and I am about to lose it on him. How can you chew your gum with your mouth closed and still make so much slobbery noise?

Happiness...

...is a picture on my fridge (secured with my fav magnet) of a sunrise? sunset? drawn by my 6 year old niece, L. She and her sister S (8) and their brother A (3) were over for a sleepover on Saturday night.

My sister in law A-L is still living with us but spends many nights at her boyfriend's. On Saturday the kids stayed in A-L's room. J brought the kids up to bed. I was downstairs but could hear the conversation going on upstairs and nearly melted with happiness. It went like this...

S: "How come A-L has such a little bedroom?"
J: "Well, she just lives with us for now but pretty soon this will be a baby's room instead."
S: "You and Auntie are going to have a baby?"
J: "We'd really like to. What do you think of that? Do you want another little baby cousin?"
S: "Yeah!"
L: "So, you and Auntie L are going to get married?"
S: "Yeah, remember? This summer! 'Cause girls can marry girls!"
A: (in a happy shout): "And boys can marry boys!"

It's amazing, isn't it? At 3, 6 and 8 they are totally fine with it.